The Baroness Von Turtle
Due to popular demand, and the Baroness' request, the Baroness will no longer be Baroness Von Turtle, but rather Baroness Bumble Bee or Miss Bee for short. It is with love and much affection HRH grants this unusual request.
Landscaper's Extraordinaire
Following HRH's Queensland holiday, she returned home to an awaiting garden begging for some top dressing and love and care. The King and Consort, along with the hired help and the Princess spent a busy 2 days whipping the front garden into shape. HRH designed, purchased and instructed all on how to plant a garden to her satisfaction. The final product is very pleasing to the eye, budget and water restrictions. Passers by stopped to comment and ask HRH if she would be so kind as to design a garden for them. Of course Her Majesty directed them to a preferred landscaper. HRH does not 'do' designing for commoners!! The King then allowed the head gardener some time off so he could maintain the new garden himself for the ENTIRE weekend! The back garden remains a dust bowl, not the dessert or the breakfast variety, but rather the 'oh no' it's windy variety. HRH is on to it and will try to have this small problem rectified in due course. But first, the pool!
Holidays are over!
HRH and the King and Consort have returned to their summer home.
Our Queensland 'jaunt' was great. HRH loved the chance to catch up with old friends and relatives. The King went where he was told with little complaint! The Princess and Baronness enjoyed the opportunities to visit theme parks, zoos and stay in luxury surroundings.
The only disappointing event of the whole trip was the 'family' visit to Dreamworld. HRH phoned Dreamworld prior to buying entry tickets. The topic of conversation was access to the Park. HRH was assured that EVERYTHING was accessible to her in her wheelchair. Hence a ticket ( full price ) was purchased, as being disabled was unable to be proved to the Park's satisfaction! Upon entering the Park, it was discovered that the rides ( HRH being a thrill seeker!) were not accessible! HRH was seriously upset as she had looked forward to much amusement with the King. Entry to Park covers rides, shows. But if you can't access rides, should you pay full price for entry? Should you pay anything at all? A letter will be sent to the organisers as soon as possible. I am happy to know what YOU think. My P.A. is busy penning a suitable response to be sent to the management of Dreamworld.
Baroness Von Turtle
Tomorrow the Princess goes to stay with the Baroness. Security is a top priority. HRH is satisfied. A personal guard will accompany the Princess to alleviate any fears and worries. The Baroness's parents have scaled up their own residence's security for the visit. The Royal chauffeur will collect the Princess in the afternoon and deliver her safely to Baroness Von Turtle's home. The Princess will be collected again the following day. It's tough being a member of the Royal Family!
Poor Kate!
My nephew, William, has asked the paparazzi to stop harassing his lady friend, Kate. As HRH, I can only endorse this request. I have promised my loyal subjects that as soon as I can, I will announce the impending marriage of one of my favourite nephews. Until then, LEAVE THE YOUNG PEOPLE ALONE!
Are You obsessed?
HRH's friend and confidante, Lady-in-waiting Lu has a question that must be asked of all sane and objective people. Do you or do you not save the packaging from:
- eggs
- museli bars
- packets of rice
- toilet rolls
- cereal
- biscuits?
The King says: "of course! all obsessed people that are loved, wanted and appreciated save these things". All other plebs dispose of them as they fill their Tuppaware containers (HRH included)! HRH had to ask the kitchen staff as she could not remember the last time she had to shop, empty a packet or fill a container!
HRH's Lady-in-waiting is currently conducting a survey of people known to HRH to see if they display any signs of being obsessed with the slightest, or most obnoxious thing. This includes: biting finger nails, plucking nose/ear hairs, blowing on wrists before getting into bed, eating in secret, drinking in secret or using a wheelchair! HRH is waiting for the results so the next staff pay increases and redundancies can be worked out. Of course HRH would not be influenced by the findings of this survey in ANY way!
The Event of the Season
The Engagement of Princess Cookie to Viscount Paul Manpattern was a resounding success! It was attended not only by HRH, but the King and other Royals. Cammo flew in from Timor, accompanied by his Lady - in - waiting, Louise. Grandfather was quoted as saying "This light beer is not good enough when one wants a drinking session!" The King agreed with him. Other dignitories of note included: Lady Rae and Steve, Lady Spud (supervisor and organisor extrodinaire), Pam and Ian, Robyn, Fran and of course the hosts, Princess Casman and Scotty (her husband and security guard). Two of HRH's sons also put in an appearance, creating havoc among the female gender at the event of the season. Their dance card was full before the band began their second session of the evening. Princes Troy and Luke were seen leaving the premises followed by the paparazzi, hoping to catch a glimpse of them before they made it to their own residences. THE PRINCESS enjoyed the evening, giving thanks it was not her engagement. Cookie and the Viscount will be in attendance at the Castle, enjoying a much earned break during the coming week.
Engagements!
Princess Casman (sister of HRH), has employed an army of staff to help transform her summer home for the upcoming engagement function of Princess Cookie Monster to Viscount Paul Manpattern. It is with great fervour and excitement that the Royal family await the upcoming engagement. Princess Casman and her husband, security guard Scotty, welcome the Viscount to the family ranks. Scotty is still hoping one of his other daughters will eventually marry outside the royal family circle so he does not remain the lowest ranking family member for ever! But first a word from Grandfather: "I hope I don't have to wear my penguin suit to this shingdig!" Grandfather was very relieved to discover that the very informal event only required coat and tails or black tie. The ladies are looking forward to airing their cocktail dresses and ball gowns. The paparazzi will be on hand to record this fine event. It is hoped they have far more respect for the young royals and there is no repeat of the Diana and Dodi incident.
HRH will arrive by helicopter to the roof top pad just prior to the beginning of the festivities. Sir Mac will remain on guard at the Castle.
Upcoming holidays
The Princess is supposed to be supervising her maid, packing for her trip away with her cousin, the Baroness Von Turtle. HRH has consented to the Princess spending a few days at her aunts, Lady Cornubia's, summer residence in Brisbane, Australia. However, the Princess' favourite entertainer has arrived to perform a solo concert for his #1 fan. M.J. apparently takes precedence with the Princess at all times.
Such devotion from the young!
The Ballroom is being used as a stage for the concert. To avoid embarrassment, M.J. will be flown back to his home before our guests Lord and Lady Piaggio arrive for the evening.
What is a barbeque??
HRH and family are entertaining some local dignitories from Hastings this evening.
The chef has been busy preparing an authentic Australian meal - a barbeque.
Apparently commoners in Australia find this type of entertaining very agreeable.
For the first time in our Summer Castle, the Royal family with entertain Lord and Lady Piaggio.
As they will be remaining until the morning, the finest guest room has been prepared.
Sir Mac will be assigned to guard their room, along with a personal body guard.
HRH says: "Treat your guests as you expect to be treated, show them that they are welcome and respected visitors to your home."
He becomes SIR!
The Royal Guard dog is doing his best to overcome heat stroke. He moved six centimetres recently from the King's side of the bed to HRH's side.
But that's not all!
Mac tried to win acclaim by catching his first prowler.
Alas, the prowler was the Princess trying to get a drink of water in the dark.
Poor Mac.
But, we (The King and I) decided he needed a knighthood just the same.
A good effort Mac.
Or should I say Sir Mac!
A TOXIC DUMP!
Well I never!
HRH has discovered an industrial waste dump near the Castle!
What a shock. How did the plebian subjects manage to do that right under the Monarchy's nose?
I have my P.A. working on finding answers as this goes to print.The King is furious, as you can well imagine.
Next, we will have door to door salesmen coming to the Castle gates! What is the world coming to?
I hope my home never resembles either of these sad sites.
NO RELATIVE OF HRH
January 10, 2007 04:00am
BELGIAN police have questioned Prince Laurent, youngest son of the country's monarch, King Albert II, over an embezzlement scandal that has rocked the Belgian navy.
Laurent, who is 11th in line to the Belgian throne, has been accused by a retired navy captain of receiving some of the money from the navy fraud which was operated in the 1990s.
The trial of the captain, Noel Vaessen, started in Hasselt yesterday and the prince has been called as a defence witness.
About €175,000 ($292,860) from the €2.2 million embezzled from the Belgian navy are alleged to have been used to carry out works on a villa used by the prince near Brussels and for an animal protection foundation that he headed.
The presiding judge will look at a list of questions that the defence wants to ask before deciding whether the prince has to give evidence.
A palace spokesman refused to confirm or deny the reports that the prince was questioned in the town of Hasselt, where a trial over the scandal is being held.
Laurent went to federal police offices in the town following a request by Hasselt prosecutor Erwin Steyls, Flemish television station VRT said.
Mr Steyls indicated that for procedural reasons he wanted to question the prince before he gives any evidence under oath.
The prince has not spoken publicly about the affair.
During a six year investigation, Belgian prosecutors never raised any suspicions about his role.
The Monarchy is in tatters everywhere.
The Royal Inquiry continues
Princes want quick Diana inquest
By Phil Hazlewood in London
January 09, 2007 08:17am
THE two sons of Princess Diana today called for the inquest into their mother's death to be "open, fair and transparent" as well as fast, as the long-awaited hearing was being prepared in a London court.
"The princes have asked me to indicate that it is their desire that the inquest should not only be open, fair and transparent but that it should move swiftly to a conclusion,'' an aide to princes William and Harry said in a letter.
The letter, from the young royals' private secretary Major Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, was read out by coroner Elizabeth Butler-Sloss as preliminary hearings started at London's Royal Courts of Justice.
Maj Lowther-Pinkerton is representing the princes at the hearing. Baroness Butler-Sloss said it was unlikely the pair - both now British army officers - would be required as witnesses.
Diana's sister, Lady Sarah McCorquodale, also wrote to the inquest, saying she, her brother Earl Charles Spencer and her sister Lady Jane Fellowes shared the princes' view.
On a day dominated by legal formalities, Baroness Butler-Sloss indicated she wanted a joint inquest into the deaths of Diana and her boyfriend at the time of the 1997 Paris car crash, Dodi Fayed, and a jury of ordinary members of the public.
She also indicated that she would like the inquest proper to start no later than the beginning of May.
The preliminary hearing, scheduled for two days, came just weeks after a British police probe into conspiracy theories surrounding the princess's death concluded the crash was a "tragic accident".
The inquest - a legal requirement when a British citizen dies an unnatural death abroad and the body is repatriated - has a narrow remit, determining only the identity of the deceased, plus how, when and where they died.
No blame is determined at inquests and the verdict must not identify anyone as having criminal or civil liability.
Possible verdicts include natural causes, accident, suicide, unlawful or lawful killing or industrial disease. The inquest may also produce an open verdict if there is insufficient evidence to reach a conclusion.
Baroness Butler-Sloss - a retired former senior High Court judge with a no-nonsense reputation -- said that to hold two separate inquests would be "unbelievably expensive'' and cause upset to both families.
She also said it was her "preliminary view'' that any jury that may hear the case should not be made up entirely of members of the royal household as specified in an archaic constitutional law.
"I think that's one decision I can make today. I think it entirely inappropriate for me to ask for a jury from the royal household,'' she said.
Lawyers for Dodi Fayed's father, the millionaire owner of Harrod's department store Mohammed Al Fayed, have pushed for joint inquests and want any jury to be made up of ordinary members of the public.
The hearing involves lawyers not just for Diana and Dodi Fayed, but also for the Queen, Mohammed Fayed and his Paris Ritz Hotel, which employed the couple's chauffeur that night, Frenchman Henri Paul.
Trevor Rees-Jones, Diana's bodyguard who was the sole survivor of the crash, will also have a lawyer present.
Good on you boys!
The Big Crack!
January 10, 2007 10:07am
HOMEOWNERS should water their houses, not their gardens, as the big dry causes them to crack up.
With water restrictions affecting most capitals, more than 35 per cent of houses in most states were experiencing cracking as the ground dried out, a survey of 75,000 homes around the country found.
"When the soil dries out, strain is put on the house structure and cracks can appear overnight," Archicentre general manager David Hallett said.
Archicentre is a building advisory service.
Returning moisture to the soil could allow cracks up to 5mm wide in brick walls to close up, Mr Hallett said.
"We may see people with cracks in their homes strategically watering their homes with buckets of water recycled from the shower," he said.
According to the research, South Australia was the worst affected state, with 48 per cent of surveyed houses cracking.
In Tasmania, 45 per cent of homes were affected, 38 per cent in Victoria, 36 per cent in NSW and WA, and 18 per cent in Queensland.
Mr Hallett said homeowners should not panic if they saw cracks in their house but should monitor them and seek professional advice before undertaking major structural work.
Archicentre expected a rise of 10 to 15 per cent in the number of Melbourne houses developing cracks if the city moves to stage four water restrictions in April, as expected, Mr Hallett said.
HRH is pleased to announce that at this stage both Castles are in tact!
The Crimson Baron
The Baron was here for a visit and loved the Castle.
He spent time playing the Princess's Playstation, running away from the guard dog and generally having a good time.
The staff chef produced the best cheese and bacon melts for him to eat, followed by chocolate TimTams!!!
The Baron had this to say:"What's the website for this?"
He describes his experience as interesting and delicious!
He spent time playing the Princess's Playstation, running away from the guard dog and generally having a good time.
The staff chef produced the best cheese and bacon melts for him to eat, followed by chocolate TimTams!!!
The Baron had this to say:"What's the website for this?"
He describes his experience as interesting and delicious!
The Royal Inquiry
Princess Diana's death has sparked a deal of controversy over the decade.
Today the inquiry into this unfortunate accident begins.
HRH will be listening to all information gathered and try to objectively consider all evidence, hearsay and facts to arrive at a suitable conclusion. Please remember, suitable for some will not be suitable for others.
Rest assured, this inquiry has cost millions of dollars, and the Royal Watchers are making sure there is more tax payers money spent if at all possible!
May you rest in peace Diana so that your sons may live in peace.
Help wanted!
Experienced staff needed urgently!
HRH requires the services of a bobcat and bobcat operator to excavate a small area around the Castle moat. My Personal Assistant has been trying to locate said professional with little success. HRH would like to landscape said area to minimise need for water and help reduce the Castle's usage of this very precious commodity.
Any offers of assistance will be seriously considered (just like the Vet).
A good day to all loyal subjects.
A very sad thing
A five year old child watches mother and father be decapitated by out of control helicopter. French authorities are investigating incident. HRH hopes that there is much needed love and support for this child.
The princess
The Princess is home from her city jaunt.
She had much to relay about her outings.
Visiting Vodafone Arena to witness bands, singing, dancing and guest speakers was great.
And the highlight!
She is already enthusiastically making arrangements for next year.
Young people often need protection without feeling suffocated, and it is great we are able to do this in a safe environment, throughout a safe event such as this.
A great opportunity, not to be missed. Teenagers and young adults will love it.
Keep an eye open for the next event, knowing your loved ones will be well looked after, their spirits nurtured and their minds enriched.
The Guest Book
Our first guest had this to say:
"Don't ask me where I am, but I know it's miles from anywhere!"
"The Castle is lovely."
"It is well insulated, I had no idea it was that hot outside!"
Love the 102cm LCD screen for guests!"
"Please tell the chef she was fantastic!"
"The guard dog did a fabulous job."
With comments like these, how can you wait to visit?
A First for ME
Here comes a picture to whet your appetite.
Our grounds and Castle are extensive.
All tours must be booked online.
Connecting flights available upon request.
Wow! It's Saturday.
My Consort has taken the dog for a walk.
He remembered to kiss me (happens every 30 minutes) before he left!
H.R.H. is very happy that he remembered, thanks loyal subjects for the ideas.
Princess is home from 4 day outing.
Staff on standby for new guests, due to arrive any moment.
Airing of guest rooms is finished and room is being prepared for V.I.P.
looks like rain, so tour of grounds will be postponed.
Tea will be taken on deck instead.
A funny story worth sharing
Teacher: 'Take this to Mrs G.'
Prep child (1): 'What happened to Mrs H.?'
Teacher: 'She is Mrs G now, she got married.'
Prep child (2): 'When a lady gets married she takes the man's name.'
Prep child (1): 'Not always, my mum was mum before she got married and she is still mum now!'
Teacher falls off chair laughing.
My First Entry
Subjects!
Welcome to Saltbush Castle.
With much graciousness, 'We' have decided to open our humble abode to all,
including mere mortals.
Please feel free to wander the grounds, enjoy the gardens and castle.
We hope you enjoy your visit.
During coming days and weeks you may meet other occupants of Saltbush Castle,
and select subjects...if they are not in the stocks or otherwise engaged.
Castle Staff are readily available for consultation and appointments.
Please do not pay the staff directly, nor give them your left over muffins or tea.
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